


Splinters

by DrawingWithGreen13



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Contemplation, It's Evan's suicide attempt pretty much, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 12:24:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15818820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrawingWithGreen13/pseuds/DrawingWithGreen13
Summary: Who'd think that someone's favourite thing in the world would be the thing that brought them to the end?





	Splinters

**Author's Note:**

> Basically Evan's suicide attempt. This is super short so don't worry about losing track of were you are lol

I've never given myself a splinter from climbing trees. Interesting how the first time I do, it's from a climb that I presume to be my last. It's like a warning, telling me not to do it. But the warnings never work, anymore. Either they're not loud enough or I'm too far gone to believe that they'll help me. The latter is more plausible.  
  
I inhale through my teeth as the splinter enters my finger. I look at it, and it's small, about as thick as an eyelash. It really shouldn't hurt this much, but I have a habit of making a bigger deal out of problems that really don't matter, like almost having a panic attack because I tripped over my shoelaces in front of Zoe Murphy in 9th grade, and how I'm climbing a tree right now, only to fall right back down again, just so I don't have to hate myself anymore. The splinter pain's already gone.  
  
I finally find myself sitting on the highest branch. Well, the highest branch that would allow me to do what I wanna do. It's high enough where I feel dizzy from looking down, so that's good. The sun is bright, and it's shining directly onto me. I never really found any interest in the sun. I'm pale, it burns me a lot. But somehow, it feels comforting. It's like a hug. A hug that I really don't deserve.  
  
I'm pathetic for even considering climbing up here, anyway. Just because a few students in school give me weird looks, or because I'm too afraid to order pizza, so I end up going hungry most nights, or because I threw up once from the thought of disappointing everyone. Again, making mountains out of mole hills.  
  
...wow. Disappointing everyone. Strange how I'm not throwing up now, huh?  
  
I glance down again at the ground, and my head spins. At this point, I can't tell if it's because my body's telling me to puke again, or if it's another warning, or if it's excitement that in just a few minutes, I won't have to feel this pain anymore. It hurts.  
  
It hurts.  
  
I can see birds fly by. Two of them. It's interesting how they start to fall, and then flutter their wings again, ready and willing to keep moving forward. Sometimes I wish I was a bird, so I could be determined to keep going, no matter my struggles. I wouldn't have to worry about sweaty hands, or stuttering, or wondering if I said the right thing or did the right action or made the right choice.  
  
This is another warning. I'm stalling. I don't want to stall. I don't want to think about all of the times I've messed up and how much of a disappointment I am. I came up here for a reason. I came up here to end that.  
  
My cheeks feel wet, and I touch them to find that I've been crying this entire time. Figures. I'm acting like a baby because I couldn't get the things I wanted, and now I'll never get them. Except for one thing.  
  
I look down, and for the first time, I don't feel dizzy. I feel ready. The note is in my pocket. I'm ready  
  
Taking a breath, I close my eyes and jump, muttering an apology. The world seems to move in slow motion as I fall, and it's comforting. I can see the tears falling slower than I am, like rain. That's ironic. The sun is still shining bright in the sky.


End file.
